Changi Naval Training Base

i've been relocated!! and it sucks so bad!! it costs me 22 bucks to get home :`(
boohoohoo..~~ this sucks..*sobsob*
i wanna go back to sembawang..sigh..*misery*
o wells life goes on..the recruits will be passing out this week and bmt 03/04 is coming to a closure..hapy memories and friends..hardships and fun..
i swam in the rsn meet too! and menaged to claim a medal for my own (rather lucky)

it's times like there which i'm really motivated to upgrade myself cos of this emptiness i've been feeling inside recently..just some sort of a blank style of life..living for nothing..working for nothing..no enjoyment..no agony..just plain passiveness..
no voice within my soul crying out or laughing..nothing but a the errie silence of sitting within the shade of a burnt tree on a gloomy day..lifeless..
ughh..this sucks..my books coming to a close now and i've gotta study for SATS this saturday..

starting to wonder what friends are made of,...what is the purpose of friends?
maybe i'm suffering from friends...or perhaps te lack of them..oh geez i miss gina..
maybe it's just withdrawal symptoms and it'll soon come to pass, as will all pain,..as will every emotion and every form of matter..

chill out, cheer up i tell myself, yet that's what i'm doing..chilling out pasively, from within, y soul is feeding upon myself..and i'm losing this plot of 'the purpose of life', or the end of it..God i love you~ show shed some life upon me won't you?


---You can ourdistance that which is running after you, but never that which is within you---

A Nice warm fuzzy day :)

Aye there! today's a nice warm sunday and i just so feel like eating some ice-cream..tomorrow i've got an event to swim : ( and that sucks real bad..Kenny wants to go jogging today and so do i! wanna keep fit and i dunw anna grow fat..sigh..i wonder how massive my book of quotes is gonna turn out to be..hope i can make a book out of it or something..girls girls girls...i dun need girls, yet i yearn to have a girlfriend cos i reallie miss gin..holding her close to me..sigh..oh wells, u can't have it all~so sad too that liverpool lost yesterday..damn sucks..dan't wait for lau period..and i realy wanna go get my teeth done up too!!!! before it's too late..and i can't be bothered anymore..now i regret having delayed and delayed and finally put it off..there're still a few things i wanna get..a new belt, a pair of thin-frame glasses, bracers, driving license..hm..that's about it..and jeans i guess..sighs..i miss jc life :'(

life goes on..
--You can outdistance that which is running after you, but never that from inside of you.

nothing but a void within my heart

Here i am perched on an office chair, reflecting my life for the past two days.
it was by no means good.

Gin's been practically telling me how sad she is, and i wonder if she knows there's nothing much i can do for her anymore..i wish i could, but i can't cause i still love her.
and i'm just trying to move on..
i thought that's what she wanted for me at least..yet she keeps me trapped here..it's almost a test of my resolve..oh i don't know..maybe she still needs someone to dote on her, but my time's past..it past when she said she didn't want me, so what's with all this?
How could i possibly become her best friend after she broke up with me? feelings still intact, i'd be a boyfriend with a best friend tag.sigh.

internally, i've been in turmoil..as always, asking myself questions that i can't answer..asked sarah(who seemed the most mature) the same questions that was bugging me but she had no answer either..maybe i'm thinking too much, maybe i'm just lost, maybe i'm just wasting my time~

what's our purpose in life?
what're we here to accomplish?
everyone has theories, and theories exist because no one's really sure at all..which is rather discouraging for me..
currently, i just lead life by aiming for everyone to be happy, if he's happy, she's happy, then i'll be happy too,..it's them who makes me happy anyways..sigh..
which leads me to wonder why do people aim to be LOOKING good instead of BEING good?
sigh..oh i don't know..and until i find out, i'll still be seeking to fill that void within my heart..


"To err is human;to Forgive,divine."

oh happy day!

a good day where i played mahjong, went to church, signed up for driving, slept, ate, played, jogged, even sparring time for some reflection...

listening to La Luna by belinda carlisle now and describing todays highlights, thoughts as well as emotions...

what does love mean?
kenny's desperate like anything and so am i but who isn't? love is a wonderful thing that poisons yets protects and nurtures..it's so special nothing can replace it fully..
read this somewhere..

"Don't try to fall in love with someone you can live with, look to fall in love with someone you can't live without"

heh
joy to the world..i love my family and friends..take care ya all..
la luna la luna~~

Confused..so Confused..i didn't mean to..

Oh crappy crappy..last night was so bad i cried and i couldn't get any sleep~
i kept wondering why things were likedat

so painful

seeing her joyful face in my mind brought my happiness, made me cheery~
but soon all was enveloped with a twisting Jealousness..a despairing soul..which is my own..
confusion..i need to sort myself out..

..and all good things will be yours.

sitting here and i can feel my life ebbing away as i perform COS duty..
an understatement to say i'm bored, yet i must say i rather this than say running..
don't know why but i just can't seem to get myself off my butt these days..

miss the attention of my girlfriend and having withdrawal symptoms of some sort..
anyhows life goes on.."L'amour faite passer les temps. Les temps faite passer l'amour."

trust in God~
Fear less, hope more,
eat less, chew more,
whine less, breathe more,
talk less, say more,
hate less, love more,
and all good things will be yours.

Sorrow*

snow is falling down on this glorious land..
colours fading turning into white again..
to fallen heros angels sing..
they cry their winter tears..
endless mourning days will turn to years..

So this is goodbye
i take leave of you and
spread your wings and you will fly away now,
fly away now~~

nothing on earth stays forever
but none of your deeds were in vain..
deep in our hearts u will live again..
you've come to the home of the brave...

every silent moment i will treasure inside..
even though it's hard to understand..
that a silent wind can blow the candle out..
taking everything leaving the pain far behind..

you call out my name,
but your voice is fading..
into the wind embraced you'll fly away now..
fly away nowww..

nothing on earth stays forever
but none of your deeds were in vain..
deep in our hearts u will live again..
you've come to the home of the brave...

down on bended knee i pray,
bring courage to these souls..
let them live forever in the heart of the bold
so i say farewell my friends
i hope we meet again
when my time has come to fall from grace~~~

--to tsunami hit victims--

As the New Year unfolds..

Today i'm back in camp after a long weekend and it feels kinda weird cos i've been out and aroung this new year,..jumping from place to place before i could even settle in~
spend the last moments of 2004 over by Kenny's and went home to Mahjong and my iPodMini~ :)
which is really AWESOME :)

Been hanging out with Kenny alot lately as we're kinda in the same dilemma..yawn..life's getting boring as usual..been glued to my book and my iPodMini the whole darn day..it's like booked in at 8, went to sleep at 11+, skipping lunch, and then woke up at 1530 went for a swim came back at 1610 and basically been slacking around..sigh..life doesn't get more boring than this...i feel like going out! i feel like drinking and getting real high! :P

wohohohohoho!
time to wake up to the real world..crappy..just a blink of an eye and NewYearDay's gone..
i think i'm reaching the age whereby i'm feeling rather attached to my family and friends..and i'm growing less intellectual and looking less and less fit..


My 2005 New Year Resolutions are :
01) Don't smoke
02) Learn how to drive
03) Don't shout at mum and dad
04) Learn to be more friendly and soft spoken
05) save AT LEAST $200 a month
06) don't procrastinate
07) Abstain from vulgarities
08) Spend more time reading to widen my vocabulary
09) Keep my hair!!
10) get my bracers done to straighten my teeth
11) find a really pretty and nice girl to be my soulmate! *tsk*tsk*

YES!
ok ok..
hope this inspires me to be a better person...
To every human on the planet, chill out and lighten up!
Happy New year!

P.S.>>
condolences to anyone and everyone victimised my the Tsunamis..Grief is but an emotion~ those who know grief will exult in the kingdom of heaven~

..drizzly.dizzy.

feeling a tad wonky..think it's the sleep i'm getting..or rather the lack of it..slept at 2 this morning and here i am awake and bringing recruits for breakfast..to aggravate things, i've to be at colours in an hours time..sigh..

hope i make it in time to book out to see Jiaolian..

and i just checked and my neoPets account is still active! yipeee!
hahaha
now that's so childish..
can't wait to book out cos now camp is getting draggy and boring,...
yawn...sigh..

think i'll go snooze for abit..
happy new year's eve~

Bored to Death..(i hear a zombie moaning...oh i really should stop complaining..)

The door squeaks open and from the corner of my squinting eye i can see a wedge of light..
i reach out to the mobile-chair that i placed beside the sofa towards my Nokia 3100 and the time is 0530hrs..my gosh that person shall be Killed for disturbing my royal rest..

The next time i open my eyes is at 8 when i sit up from the sofa and realise that the lights are on and the room is empty~ barry walks in and by and asks if i needed anything from Endurance..he was on his way up for routine breakfast..

Time crawled as i tried desperately to find something to do..didn't do anything productive today outside watching GSD phase 7 & 8 AGAIN..yes.An indeed boring day..went upstairs at 12.45 to my Bed of Accumulated Textiles, both used and unused.My mattress was in that dire state cos of my uncanny ability to chuck ALL my stuff on the bed since i slept in the office..thus, i spent 3mins dragging all the material into a 'neat' heap at the corner of the mattress before concussing..TRIED to sleep at 12.45 but i just couldn't dose off..i woke up at 3.15 to take a afternoon crap before heading back to pay my respects to my bed..still couldn't get any sleep so i gave up at around 4.50 and i headed down to the office to read more of Thirteen Steps Down..

even though i had nothing to do, whenever anyone knocked and entered the office for this or that i just couldn't be bothered to help or answer them..when they left i was rather satisfied seeing their backs..yes i was in that kinda mood..lethargic like hell.sigh..wasting my life away yet again..shoulda brought in more CD-Rs to burn..
didn't exercise at all today..growing FAT..*sobsob*
whatever..
can't be bothered now..

Singapore beat Myammar 4-2 just this evening..kudos to the Mighty Cubs..oh sorry, Lions i meant.

wonder if i can sleep tonight..
sigh..i wanna go home..or at least go out..
sigh..

Night Out

Dear diary~
today was an awesome day!
booked at 8 this morning...burned a CD and then watch gundam seed destiny phase 05, 06, 07, 08!!i love gundam seed destiny! after that i enjoyed aircon and my book 'thirteen steps down'~~

at 1.20 i took a nap before waking up at 4 to play soccer till about 6 then i took a bath and then had dinner..went to sun plaza at 7 and bought contacts and ice-jelly with barry..
yay!
to cap off a good day, we're watching Finding Nemo on vcd now! hahaha

yawn...everyday should be like today~

feeling rather tired..
actually slack days like today can get kinda boring..
plus i'm growing FAT :(
sigh..
better do some serious running soon~

anyways gotta run now!
be back soon~~
nite~

Boxing Day!!

Dear diary~
lalala talking to Gin on the phone now..

actually i'm rather ticked of cos of what she did the other day,...

i called her cos i needed someone to talked to and she was busy and i was like 'ok bye'
then she got angry and said something mean and then i got pissed off too..later she said she was angry cos of the way i said ok bye..sheesh! she was the one who said she wasn't free so i was just letting her off the hook! and it sucks to know you've got a best friend that isn't free when u need her~
talked to kenny about it too and he said that maybe that's the way that best friends are..i truly doubt that~cos under the same circumstances i would've MADE myself free if i wasn't free at the moment~
sigh then i guess not everyone's the same~

okie~enough bitching already..

this years christmas was pretty good cos i managed to catch up on some quality family and relative time! Since i enlisted i've been like more and more independent which is good, but at the expense of my family, which is catastrophic~

anyways,
i've seen the light and silently hoping that this homey aura will be about this NewYear too~

now it's GundamSeedDestiny time!
crono's burnt whatever that is out of it!
gdnite!~

Early morning, eve of Christmas, i'm back in camp to take the recruits for their ippt test~

slept late last night making christmas cards, reading "Dragonlance: Dragons of Summer Flame", as well as scanning the net for music by "Fantastic Plastic Machine"..

had a subway chewy cookie for breakfast this morning and i'm all ready to go..so happy cos
tomorrow's christmas! yay!

just had a cup of water but what i really feel like now is an ice cold pint of beer~oh yeah~

laterrrr...barry's got a new magazine!~ yippeeee

Busy Days

busy busy busy busy busy~~~

had to wake up early for a catastrophic CO parade..Right after that had to go up to HQ to collect Newspaper, 5 TRS comms sets, send Parade state, Prepare for the 8KM route march, March 8KM, Follow Rec Goh Guohui to the medical centre after he had suffered from exaustion and heat cramps, rush back to return the TRS sets, Change bedsheets, Call recruits on medical leave, prepare an emcee's speech for LifeRun, Go and emcee for the LifeRun, Return back for dinner,...sianz....luckily i had assistence from the standby COS~

anyways..tomorrow's christmas' eve eve and looking forward to it so much~!!..
sigh..that sounded so lame..but whatever, so everyone go ahead and dive right into the christmas Spirit!!

still got a few more presents to buy so howhowhow?!?!?!
dunno what to get,..nothing seems suitable now..but that's always the problem during christmas..sigh..
i've spent so much money over the past week that my bank account is nothing but a blighted potato field..or maybe just a shadow of that..

where has all the money gone!~?
down the chimney! now that's another lame one..
haha..sigh..this is SAD..

It's about time i conceded that at times i'm just imagining things to cheer myself up or pull myself out of the pits..once and again i've lived on hope..hope that things may change, or at least revert..once and again i find myself living in a web of boredom,..within,my heart is searching..searching and searching and seeking and seeking..like a consuming flame, this thirst is withering me like a preserved plum.

again the multi-faceted faces of life has degraded into a black-hole of bleakness..
this paradigm shift has happened one too many times and i'm starting to wonder, just how long before i actually reach the end of the tunnel..if it even exists.
Perhaps.Since the ever jubilant and optimistic Lieutenant Kenneth is breathing evidence.And waiting in line to use the com~

Yours Sincerely.
.the Disillusioned lifeform.

i'll scratch your back if u scratch mine

lazy to go for colours this morning so i gave the recruits area cleaning and stand-by-area at 8am..they certainly made no complaints so i guess it's a win-win situation~

woke up early this morning at 545am to bring them for breakfast too so hopefully i get to catch up on some sleep later..probably take a nap since i've some DI rest, then go for a swim..hope there's some sun l8ter..

feeling full of emptiness now would ya believe it?
just one big black hole within my heart~
neither here nor there..again i'm just existing..

ouch my wisdom tooth is giving me aches and it's real bad.. :(

sweet dreams are made of these......nite~

Love-

Love is just so Amazing.

You twirl a pen,
when it falls from your hand,
you've no idea how it'll land~
that's love~
just hope it'll mend~

it is such a strong word~
love overcomes all-
It is so beautiful-
what else could bring tears of both joy and sorrow all at the same go?

Not seen her this happy for so long-
It sure stings but seeing her so happy heals everything..
it warms my heart-
the cheerful eyes and girlish giggles-
it takes away all the pain-
yet it stings and singes-
what a wondorous emotion-
She's so beautiful~
She's so lovely~
her happiness is my own~
yet i feel so alone~
oh so lonesome~
So many tantrums~
She's so crazy~
She's so bossy~
That's just so me~

She's so happy~
and so am i~
i've moved on~
that is no lie~

but late at night~
the clock winds back~
think just a slight~
and i get so so sad~

Love is so beautiful~
It heals, yet it chides~
Thrills, yet it's blight~
Weak, yet it's might~
Just a glimpse, but it's so bright
And it can last you all the way through the night~~~

iPod or LifePod?

sigh..talking about materialism, i just reserved an iPodMini..i'm going to splash out 390Bucks for that..makes me wonder what i'm turning into~
seems as though i can't live without the ipod..i neeeeeed it..sigh..

i miss gina,..she'd be able to talk some sense into me~

Donuts for supper tonight, but i'm in no mood to eat..

feeling kinda empty all over again..what's life about again?
haha, on current grounds,
obviously,
it's an iPod.

gotta shake outta this soon~

Life's A Learning Journey

today i'm on duty and so much i've learnt~

sometimes it ain't always practical to play by the rules~
sometimes when rules are bent, effeciency is optimal~
sometimes more things are learnt when the rules are broken~

sigh..had an interesting chat about signing on with one of the recruits~
he told me he was bent on signing on and i thought he was way outta his mind~
i felt that 2 years of slavery to the army was much more than i can hardly handle currently..thus my puzzlement~

he rebutted with saying that he "wasn't like me got education" so signing on is not bad..
how ironic that he said he really regretted not studying hard~ my insensitivity i'd do anything to take back, sensing the bitter hopelessness in his voice~ army was like his ray of hope~sigh..
how shallow of me..silly,self-centred,me.

took my guys out on a run too~
kinda proud of myself cos even though my guys weren't the fastest, we sure sang the loudest and though it was tough, the spirit was high after the run~
allowing them to sing any song they liked, make any noise they wanted too, i simply demanded they made noise~ alot of noise~ especially when encountering the odd good-looker servicewoman~heh
it was fun~ and the experience was great.

just came back from playing soccer..and it's kinda late now cos i gotta bring the guys for breakfast tomorrow..sigh..

when i got posted here i expected something really slack~
but i got something better,
i got something really tough~
cheers-

Materialistic?

into the distance i see my 350bucks wisp away on colourful wings..floating, dissipating..alas, it's gone~

not too long ago (10th) i received my monthly allowance but now it's back down to a meagre 100dollars from 7..
it's not really me to be complaining about finances yet such a calamity has set off the alarm bells ringing in me..perhaps the christmas season is an excuse, and this is but a false alarm,but i can't kid myself..christmas isn't about pampering oneself.

i swear that i had to strap myself down from getting that 169dollars C.K. T-shirt..sigh..

isn't it funny?
nowadays we seem to pay more for less material, and yet we're termed materialistic..

sigh..it's been more than a week since i last blogged, and so much has come to pass~

My ex has been calling me, and just telling me how sad she is, wthout telling me why..wondering how she really is cos she isn't one to speak her problems cos it troubles her too much and no one solves her problems for her..i guess my way of sweeping problems under the carpet isn't suited to her type of problems, and i really wanna help but she just cries and stays silent apart from the periodical "i'm sorry i shouldn't've called"s..

just wanna wish her some peaceful solitude and perhaps i'll get the chance to tell her how much i've missed her and how much i haven't, as well as tell her that nothing in life is certain..On top of that, it should be noted that being alone is sometimes better than being in the company of certain characters~

if she ever reads this, she'll understand that there's nothing to feel bad about and lonliness is but an experience too~
an experience that i'm not sure i could live without~as it's said that without lonliness, one never understands the true meaning of company~

hey girl just take a step back and look around you~ smile if you feel like smiling, but please sulk and cry if u have to~ cos it's unhealthy keeping those kinda emotions inside~and please dun be silly and feel shameful about it~

KennyKoh.Now you have one big serious problem~love is all around. and to Love someone doesn't require you to have the love reciprocrated. in fact it's a big problem if u EXPECT the love reciprocrated. cos that isn't real love is it?
what's the point of giving something and expecting something in return?

Peace to everyone on earth.

god bless~

When The Sun Shows Its Face

Slept early last night so i had a few unread messages stashed in my phone..the first was from my ex which was rather sweet, the second was insignificant, the third was a friend cancelling tickets for zouk out, the fourth and last was from another fried saying the ticket was ready and cannot be cancelled..which is a little crappy(damn fucking crappy)~

The sun shone at 1 for the first time in days, so my mates and i decided to follow the recruits for an afternoon swim, since they had training to attend. It was awesome feeling the cool waters on a sunny day but my attepmt to get tanner failed miserably.. did manage to clock in a few laps though which instills that believe in me that i can actually get back to vintage best~ which is really damn vintage now..

Also saw a pretty cute girl behind company line too~ which is really like finding a swallow in winter..

i miss home..i need to be home real soon~arghh..
at least i've got some emotion worked up rather living in some kinda neither void a few days back..

and i realised that my abs is now turning loving the peace and turning into some kinda united-nations committee..which is kinda sad..reallie regret those $1.95 double cheeseburgers now..which is totally gay~ but whatever..

my friend(barry) is kicking the ball around in the office now trying to emulate Zinedine Zidane..however he seems to be insulting the great man..sigh..damn the ball is really damaging the room..

haha
later..got a friend to take care off..